Trevor’s death was absolutely devastating for me. It hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt before. My entire body hurt, I wasn’t eating and I wasn’t sleeping, the only thing I could do was drink until I passed out.
Everyone tried to stop me. They told me that alcohol was bad for the baby, but I didn’t care. It was the only thing that numbed the pain. I couldn’t live without it, I wasn’t ready to face this pain.
“Natalia?” Winter said softly while taking a seat in front of me. I hadn’t even heard her approach.
“What?” I snapped, I didn’t want another lecture. I knew I was being stupid, they didn’t have to tell me over and over. Winter didn’t even flinch at my rudeness, she just continued with what she was going to say.
“Would you like something to eat? It’s been days, the baby needs some nourishment.” She asked gently, afraid of setting me off.
“Fuck the baby. It was a mistake to keep it.” I wanted to abort but it was too late now. I had to carry this little demon full term. I hated the thing. It was a constant reminder of him, what he said, what I said, and how nothing would ever be ok again.
“You don’t mean that.” She looked hurt. I didn’t know why though, but I didn’t really care. That’s who I am now, the person who hurts everyone she loves.
“But I do. I hate it, and I hate that I hate it. A mother should love and nurture her child, not drink herself to death while it’s still inside her. I’m a terrible person. This baby is terrible. Everything is terrible and I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I can’t raise his child.” I started to cry. I probably sounded insane, and I probably looked it too. But if I did, Winter didn’t show it.
“You’re not terrible, Nat. You’re grieving. Maybe I should take these and get you something to eat.” She reached for one of my beer bottles and I slapped her hand away.
“No. Just let me drink myself to death. There’s no saving me now.”
“Please Nat, I don’t want you or your baby to die. Please let me help you.” Her voice small and broken, like a scared child.
“I’m past the point of help. Consider me dead already.” I picked up a bottle and took a giant swig. “Leave me alone, I just wanna be alone.” I closed my eyes. I heard her sigh and stand up. No doubt she was reporting back to my mom. She was disappointed in me, another reason I was a terrible person. I took another drink and felt brain start to go fuzzy. I closed my eyes and laid my head back. I just wanted to sleep forever.
I didn’t really have a grasp on time anymore, and one day I looked down and my stomach was huge. It looked bigger than it probably should have. I just figured I was starting to get a beer gut from all drinking I’d been doing. I’d moved beds, I started sleeping in Trevor’s old bed just to feel a little closer to him. It didn’t help much, but then again nothing really did.
I didn’t leave the bed often. Just to get more beers and take a piss. My life was just one dreadful day after another. My friends and family barely ever bothered me anymore. They brought me food every once and a while. But they stopped nagging me. I guess they stopped caring about me too.
One day while I was drunk and just lazing in bed, I felt a horrible pain rip through my stomach. I was in labor.
I stayed as quiet as I could. I didn’t want anyone in the home to know. The fuss wasn’t something I wanted, especially if the baby came out deformed or something. There had to be something wrong with it with all the drinking I’d been doing.
The labor was extremely painful but luckily the alcohol numbed it a little. It didn’t last very long either, which I was glad. I didn’t want anyone walking in on this.
The baby looked fine, I was surprised. She was beautiful. She even had Trevor’s hair.
But I didn’t get a good look at her because I felt a second wave of contractions.
A few minutes later, A second baby was born. I couldn’t believe it. I had twin girls. Trevor’s twin girls. I wanted to puke, I fucked up two helpless babies.
I started down at the girls. My heart was pounding and my body was aching. There was no way I could do this, I couldn’t raise his twins on my own. I quickly rummaged the room despite my pain and slight bleeding. I found a black sharpie and messily scrawled names on the diapers. I at least wanted to name my children. I named the older girl Artemis and the younger one Athena. Greek goddesses, just like I wanted.
Then, I searched the room for a piece of paper. I quickly explained which twin was older and their names, just incase they couldn’t read them on the diapers and the girls were practically identical. Finally, I walked into the bathroom and grabbed the small tubes.
I dumped the pills into my hand, tears streaming down my face. I fucked up. There was no way I could be a mother, my kids were better off without me. This was for the best.
I threw all the pills I could fit in my mouth and washed them down with a beer. There was no going back now.
It took a few minutes but I started to feel things go hazy. I took one last look at my twins. They really were gorgeous. They deserved so much better than me.
I closed my eyes and let myself drift off into an eternal slumber.
“Natalia, sweetheart, are you awake?” I slowly crept up the stairs and peeked my head in. My daughter was a drunken, pregnant mess. I was disappointed but also extremely worried. She hadn’t come out the dorm for a while so I went in to check on her.
There was no response. “Natalia?” I called out for her again.
Two tiny babies laid quietly on Trevor’s old bed. They looked relatively healthy, just slightly small. I hoped that was the only thing wrong with them, after all the alcohol she consumed I wouldn’t have been surprised if they had been born with some deformities or conditions.
If the babies were here, where was Natalia? “Honey, are you alright?” I called out into the room, my heart starting to race as I got no response. She might’ve gone into the bathroom, birth was messy and she could be cleaning up.
But as I walked across the room, I stopped dead in my tracks.
“Natalia!” I screamed as loud as my lungs would allow. My baby girl was slumped up against the wall, her face pale and her body limp. Two empty bottles of pills laid on the ground next to her.
“Oh my god.” I screamed over and over. My baby was dead.
“Natalia what have you done!” I screamed. I could hear footsteps on the stairs, obviously everyone was coming to see what happened. My baby was gone, and all I could do was scream.
Natalia Mortem was dead.